i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
