Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
