The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
