Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
