dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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