i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
