He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
