never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
