honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
