she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
