I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
