This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
