Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
