My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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