Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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