we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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