I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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