even my farts smell like vagina
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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