Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Two words: blizzard sex
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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