I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
