The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
