Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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