He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
