I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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