Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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