he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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