I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
