remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
