i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
