We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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