I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
