did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
