My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
