i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
