my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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