just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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