and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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