dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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