im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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