At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
