Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
