I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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