Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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