Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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