I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
