genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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