I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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