As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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