I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just invented taco cereal.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
