I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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