so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
